I just found myself watching High School Musical: The Musical: The Series, wow thats a mouthful. I totally LOVED it (the first episode that is). Such humor, much colour and just fun to watch mindlessly. But was it that mindless though? Right at the end of the episode I somehow felt triggered and I started to feel heavy hearted. The episode bought back many memories drama school, the acting education I did, the fun times and of my sister. She did the same study as me and I thought of how far she had come. I started to feel sad and regretful that I didnt finish it and that I didnt pull through. I mean I had my reasons but the what if haunts me. Where, in life, would I stand now? What potentially cool things could I have been doing now if I did pull through?

Sometimes I feel I wasted a lot of my 20s. Being so focused on others rather than myself. Im quite glad that at age 26 I finally started seeing just how shit everything was and started living for me even if it still took a while to fully do so. In that regard I am very glad where I am today. But what would I have had achieved if I had noticed and reacted sooner? Because I clearly knew I wasnt happy. Heck I was fucking depressed. But I was scared and that held me back. I was scared of losing everything even though that would have been a good thing. Clean slate to focus on just moi. I know I shouldnt, and often I dont, but sometimes I just cant help but feel so measly and regretful. That mostly happens when Im having a low day, or Im tired or if I trigger some kind of memory. Im so weird, I dont understand myself. Writing this makes me feel cringe cause I should stop being emo about it and fucking move on, but Im also human so give me and fuckin break me! So yeah, that!

I feel I complain a lot and repeat myself all the fuckin time. Urrghh I make me cringe so bad sometimes. But yeah no point pushing it away. Its a part of me and thats okay (lol I make rhyme). Even though I hate it. And today started out so epic too. What a bummer. But you know in all this, what ever “this” is, I also feel fuckin motivated to live my fuckin best life! Helvette yeah! Cause Ive wasted enough time pleasing others and now Imma gonna please just me! Me comes first even if its frickin hard (hard to leave the doormat life behind ya know). I was telling a friend the other day that since November Ive really made huge steps of improvement. Like emence, exhausting ones yet all so worth the while. The comfort zone is cool and all but you gotta fucking step out of it to get better. Yes I hated being dragged outta there, yes I cried, an awful lot actually, yes I still struggle every single fuckin day and YES Im so FREAKIN tired but DUDE! Im getting somewhere! Even if it doesnt always feel/look/whatever like it.

Ive noticed that Im angry and agitated (spelt wrong, I know, get over yourself) a lot or am easily triggered to feel that way but like, come on. I have the fuckin right with all my pent up emo feelings and my being done with bullshit I dont agree with. I spit on my filter! To hell with it! Fuckin burn that shit! YEAH!!! Seriously Im often on the verge of hitting someone. Off look? Smack! Weird comment? Punch! Fuckin breathe air in my direction then be ready to be beaten to a pulp. Fuckin DINKLEBERG! Though most likely I’ll only hurt myself, cause delicate widdle hands. And if they dont like me no more? Well I dont give a hoot. The peeps that love me will understand, not that I would ever want to hurt my loved ones of course, but Im sure they’ll understand my frustration if Im not feeling so cool in my own skin. So, in a way, Im glad I live within a hoard of annoying dinkelbergs but at the same time I also really wanna get the hell outta there. But tja I got a lot more to gain here than lose and Im pretty sure I will move out here, soon I hope, being a better person for sure. At least one that has their life together or have some form of stability. By that I mean balance. For work, free time, relationships and that kinda stuff. Oh and haven found my ikigai. You know that life’s purpose thing. Pretty important and interesting stuff. Though I dont think my ikigai will be all that interesting really. Im far too indecicive to fuckin choose. Someone made an interesting point on that note. She said that while there are many cool paths to choose from, I must choose just one to focus on! Otherwise, she said, I will constantly be working on a bit of everything (and I have a lot of everything) and I will end up getting nowhere and I’ll feel unfulfilled, a.k.a unmotivated, a.k.a depressed, a.k.a rolled up into a fetal position on the floor thinking Ive lost life’s game ad there is no hope for me. Not the nicest thing really. So that got my thinking. Im like totally at rock bottom or maybe tied to a glove shaped balloon right now. So if I focus my attention on one thing, going up, then eventually that will get me the hell outta there and feeling all merry and bright. But that will take some time. Glad I have some glove flavored candy to satisfy me along the way.

You’re welcome!

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